The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
