Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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