Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
