my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
