I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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