Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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