you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
