I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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