So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
