We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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