I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
