Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
