I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
