I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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