Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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