Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
