Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
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I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
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let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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