What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
