found the other keg... it's in the tree
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
