Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
