Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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