there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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