something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
