I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
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I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
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Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?