call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
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Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
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I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?