so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
