the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
