I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
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you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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