like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
