this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
