You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
