dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I need to align my fucking chakras
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
