I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
