booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
