Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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