do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
