Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
All I want is dick and wine.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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