Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
