im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
