we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
