It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
