I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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