So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
