I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
