well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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