she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
