I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
