dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
