I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
