if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
