Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I understand Curling. That high.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
