I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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