Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
