I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
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At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
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But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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