There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
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I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
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You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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