Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
